The real story of Unca' Steve

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls & crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks: making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous & god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, & I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love & an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe & a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, & a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine & have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read "Paradise Lost", "Moby Dick", & "David Copperfield" in one day & still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the C.I.A. I sleep once a week - when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in New Zealand, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, & my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals, using only a mouli & a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanks, & spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, & I have spoken with Elvis. But, I have not signed a lucrative recording contract.

I attribute my success to the fact that there were some people who slightly helped me with my accomplishments, but I can't remember their names.